Ah the wonderful life of a secret sissy. Continually beset by thoughts of kink and all the peals of seductive pain/pleasure it brings – but having/wanting to maintain a vanilla façade. It’s a tough life, though one I suitably adore at the moment. Since splitting up with my first wife and talking to Mistress very deeply about it, I’m certainly open to the idea of living as a far more full time sissy if a situation presented itself – but the nature of what I do, suggests that a little part of me (no, not THAT little part) will always be secret.
I can’t see myself sashaying into work in a maid’s frock just yet. Though the thought is very tempting…
With chastity very much part of my life now – Mistress experimented with allowing me much more freedom to orgasm years ago but it turned out I couldn’t be trusted (me, a straight presenting white male – who’d have thought it) – one of my deepest and most treasured sexual turn-ons is degradation, humiliation and belittlement – and with My Owner loving it too, turns out I’m a VERY lucky little slut in that department.
Just today I was allowed out into a wood to film myself jerking for Mistress… Filling my head full of naughty thoughts, whipping my panties down and tugging on my tiny clit. First, for about 40 seconds (a long time in sissyland for me, all you Alpha Males) and then for a few seconds at a time… Humping the air, arcing my hands behind my head and *much to my surprise* quite literally twerking my fat sissy ass involuntarily…. Desperate for it to be filled, and so animalistic in my desire and denial.
It took about two minutes before the little show was over NO CUMMING OF COURSE, and though the area was far from public (while we both adore public humiliation, I’m very careful not to put anyone else out) I felt wonderfully horny – and so VERY ashamed. Humiliation burns my friend, it burns and it comes at you like a rush, and it hit me, all of a sudden, that it was something of a drug to me. That shame pleases Goddess (my #1 life objective) and it makes me feel oh so naughty. So debased. So submissive and so in love with the life She has chosen for me.
So anyway, it got me thinking – as I was walking breathlessly back through the park, phone on silent and my video playing back at me… Gazing down in gut wrenching, throat knotting shame watching myself jerking my tiny clitty… That I was shame-craving, and that it’s DEFINITELY a sissy thing. The sissy shame-crave. I wasn’t watching because I was proud of myself, or I turn myself on. I was watching to keep that shame rolling. Increasing that crescendo. I’ve always done it. Mistress insisted on it, and that watch back brings it all home. Clitty throbbing, knowing you’ve done a very bad thing. Knowing that Mistress is sitting at the other end of the phone, laughing about it and possibly telling her boyfriend.
God that turns me on.
And amidst the texting and the verbal humiliation from Mistress, that content, watching it back, watching it again. Looking down at my pathetic excuse for a clitcock and knowing I simply don’t cum unless Mistress tells me – it’s feeding the shame crave and making sure this is going to extend far beyond the act. Will you tell Sir? I ask Mistress coquettishly, knowing she will and knowing that he’ll be laughing too. Except by now I’ve gone even beyond that. I’m wondering what Josephine, the girl in Sheffield who owned me for a little while would say if she knew I was STILL a pathetic cum craving sissy…. I’m thinking, my ex-wife, right? She knew I wore panties. She read some of my emails. I wonder what she’d say. How about that girl I kinda fancy at work? We discussed having ‘Mistress Mondays’ before, tongue in cheek, where I do everything for her.
Gauging those reactions is everything! The helpless lump in your throat, relinquishing all control – and it’s alcohol for the mind! Utterly addictive and utterly brilliant, and once you’ve tasted it, you just want more.
It’s like that guy I saw on Jerry Springer who came out to his hot girlfriend and business partner about his submissive fetish and was publicly outed by his Mistress, who sent him into the audience to kiss the feet of anyone who wanted it. I’ll never forget it. There are times I crave something like that. Mistress once made me write a letter to an ex-girlfriend apologizing for the terrible sex I had given her. If I recall correctly she made me photocopy that letter and leave it in pub toilets. It seems unlikely poor Laura ever saw it, but there’s that tiny chance she, or someone similar, did… And it keeps that shame rolling. Keeps the jeopardy real, my chaste clitty hard – and my Mistress smiling!
Ladies and gentlemen – that is the submissive shame crave! Literally shaped into being a pathetic sexual plaything for your Dominant, and genuinely foregoing your own pleasure, dignity and more to please your Owner, or just because you’ve been told to do it. Shut up and suck. It’s the ONE! Whether I’d like my Shame Crave to be upped to the extent that I’m used in a porn video sucking off an old man that could be seen anytime by my ex-girlfriend, old fella next door or – indeed, my current clients.. I don’t know. But Mistress will be sure to tell me if I do!
God I love being a sissy.
(You can read ‘Woodland wa*k for sissy jessie’ here – the act that sparked this post. https://dommesissylifestyle.co.uk/2020/05/03/woodland-wa_k-for-sissy-jessie)