From male sub to sissy – a change of mindset

This blog was inspired by a single word in a FetLife message from a submissive. He’d made an effort to write a polite and intelligent message, enquiring as to whether we might continue our correspondence and see if we had any D/s chemistry. Before I could reply, he’d returned with another message, acknowledging that he’d just read a piece I’d written, and said:

Subject: How a sissy gets considered by a Mistress

Dear Mistress Virago,

I now understand and I am going to entirely reëvaluate my profile and my courtship.

I hope you are well and content.


[NAME] (a sissy, not a submissive male)

Again, an informative, polite message, but one word struck me.


You might be wondering what’s wrong with this word. You might think…Surely, every FemDom wants to be courted?


This word harks back to an out-dated set of behaviours and beliefs where women were seen by men as helpless damsels who wish to be wooed by a strong, gallant, masculine man. It references chivalry. 

And it makes my skin crawl.

I’m a Dominant. I have a female body, but I have a lot of masculinity about me. In my outlook, in my stamina, in my emotional strength, in my sexuality. I’m a blend of genders. 

At the same time, I’ve lived a life where I’ve had to kick against all the disadvantages of being a woman. This includes having ‘chivalrous’ behaviour forced upon me by men who refused to see that this is not appropriate for every AFAB person (assigned female at birth). In my experience, this chivalry so often evaporates and turns to aggression when guys don’t get the reward they expect for it. 

This is my issue with the word ‘Courtship’. Courtship is something men do to women. It’s a dynamic where the man showers the woman with gifts, flowers, meals out, doors held open, seats pulled out. The woman is the passive recipient, and at the same time expected to be grateful.


Don’t come to this Dominant with ideas of courtship. You will NOT be courting me. Come to this Dominant with a demure demeanour, a bowed head and total humility. Come with zero expectations.

If you’re a male sub looking to become a sissy, wipe all male behaviours from your mind. Ditch these words from your vocabulary. Forget thoughts of conquest, of winning or wooing your Mistress. 

Sissies do not conquer, woo or win a Domme. 

They attend on her whim. They listen. They obey. They submit. They are used for her pleasure. They curtsey and say ‘thank you’ afterwards. They present themselves with feminine grace and dress. They are gentle, kind, passive, patient and devoted. They defer.

They are markedly less of a man than this Mistress.

I’m sure the sub who messaged me intended no offence. But he’s not looking at the world from my perspective. And that demonstrates the huge shift in mindset required to move from male sub to sissy. It’s not as simple as putting on a pink satin dress. It’s not something that a Domme can coax or beat into you. It has to come from the submissive. 

I’m interested to see if he makes good on his ‘reevaluation’ and if he can throw masculine behaviour aside and become a true sissy.

3 thoughts on “From male sub to sissy – a change of mindset

Add yours

  1. Dear Mistress Virago,

    Thank you so much for this amazing post! In a few paragraphs you have managed to blow up some of the bedrock assumptions behind male/female interactions that inappropriately leak into the Mistress/sissy dynamic. Unfortunately, women like you are vanishingly rare, so sissies either interact with women who have a more traditional gender mindset, or (all too often) resort to visiting pro Dommes who conform to the service that the sissy has purchased. Neither situation is positive training or reinforcement of a true sissy mindset.

    This blog is a wonderful antidote to the hum-drum world of half measures that is the on-line “sissyverse.” Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your invaluable re-framing of the Mistress/sissy connection free from the unconsidered and quite tired male/female courtship. I suspect that your writing is as inspirational to women who feel trapped in the courtship dynamic as it is to sissies who wholeheartedly agree with you.



    1. Thank you for your lovely comment, QL. It’s always good to hear that my feelings and style of Dominance resonate with other kinksters. It’s nice to know my words have brightened your day. Your support is appreciated.
      Mistress Virago


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