Why am I a Domme and what do I love about it?

Two questions from my sissy, dephie, inspired this article. Two deceptively simple questions, asked on a long Fetlife message, where delphie had been thinking about psychology and life. This is what she said.

“Going back to psychology though, delphie wondered why it is that You love being a Domme. delphie read Your fantastic post on Your blog about Your beginnings as a Dominant, from Your school days, which sheds some light into Your caring, protective nature. delphie was wondering what else is there though, Mistress. Why do You live to do these things and live this way?”

In some ways, this question is like being asked ‘Why do you love running, playing the piano or taking photos?’ It is in my nature. It makes me feel good. And I feel that I have a gift for it. But there is more to it. And I promised delphie that I’d think about it and reply. This is the message I sent her.

The / connection

It strikes me that when you write D/s, there are no spaces between those characters. Instead there is connection, and the nature of that connection is indicated by the /. For me, there is a huge, wonderful and intricate connection between me and each of my submissives. And each connection is truly unique. What exists between us is a colourful, deep, evolving energy. Each person is immersed in the dynamic and it connects them with themselves as well as each other. It’s a magical state. The better you get to know your submissive, the more exciting that connection gets because there are ever-more ways to play. And in physical sessions, you learn to read them without them speaking a word. This is powerful. You can see what they’re longing for or dreading, and you can decide to reward them or show no mercy. 

It cuts both ways

I treasure my sissies. And I count myself lucky every single day that they want to be owned by me and serve me. I would feel less of a Domme without my sissies to dominate, because it’s the interaction and the exchange of energy that makes me feel fully myself. By submitting to me, they enable me to express my dominance, to make it real, to see it, smell it and feel the physical, visceral nature of it. Skin as my canvas. Nerves as my channels. 

Having a living, breathing person held between your hands and in your thrall is a transcendent, transformative, erotic experience. It’s addictive.

My mental playground

Domme space definitely exists. I get a mental high off D/s, both playing remotely and in person. It’s like an ongoing game where I make the rules and the moves. I like to think up new training tasks or submissions for my sissies when they are not physically with me. This takes me into Domme headspace and can inject a thrill of D/s into an otherwise vanilla day. And it’s rewarding when my sissy responds with a message, photos or videos of their obedience. It’s like opening the best gifts. I can’t think of any vanilla parallels to this feeling. Maybe you can? If so, I’d like to hear them.

A hefty ‘Fuck you’ to heteronormative roles

We still live in a society that values monogamy over other relationships, that treats women as second-class citizens and tells men that being anything less than alpha makes them a loser. I’m not ok with any of this. Being a Dominant lets me fight against it on many levels. 

Wearing D/s symbols in vanilla life, being seen at kink events, posting pics of my D/s life and wearing clothes that defy gender norms… all these things feel empowering; kicking back against what women ‘should be like’, against the heterofail of conventional relationships and against toxic masculinity. And standing up as someone who likes sissies, rather than typical men, feels immensely freeing. I always remember at a work party some years back, one of the men holding court at the table turned to me and said ‘You look like the kind of woman who likes a proper man.’ I laughed and said ‘You’re absolutely wrong. I like a pretty boy in a dress who does my housework and does as they’re told.’ Which made all the women hoot with laughter. My vanilla colleagues probably thought I was being typically provocative. But I was actually telling the truth. That’s exactly what I like – simpering, pink-clad, panty-wearing, sexually-inept, devoted, shame-craving, feminised sissies. The rebellion of it lights me up and being a Domme brings me endless joy.

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