Dommes get hurt too

D/s relationships aren’t always easy. Like any relationship, there are ups and downs. Life doesn’t always give the Dominant or the submissive a level playing field from which to be their best kinky self. 

Usually, the hiccups along the way are short-lived and quickly moved past. 

But sometimes, not. 

I’ve read quite a few pieces by submissives who have experienced emotional hurt in their relationship with their Dominant. But fewer from the D/ side. So, I’m sharing this from my life in the spirit of honesty and to show that Dominants are not immune to feeling hurt.

(I’m not going to name the sissy in question as that’s not what this is about. All you need to know is that we don’t live together and comms are most often via WhatsApp.)

These past 12 months have been tough for everyone. Personally, I’ve found the physical separation from my sissies quite tough to deal with. There is a great deal of love, affection, sexuality and physicality in my D/s relationships, and expressing that face to face, so my sissy can feel/see/hear it, matters to me. It connects me more intensely with who I am, it frees me to be my true Dominant self…. And feeling that reflected back from my sissy, feeling them reacting under my hands, my blusher brush, my whip, my words…those are the moments that make me feel most alive…when that D/s connection starts to sizzle between us and we can lose ourselves in it and just be.

My past year has been exceptionally busy. (Two parents with serious medical issues, heavy demands from work, time required on running the business, acting as attorney for property transactions, living away from home.) It left me with little time for D/s fun. And I really felt the loss of this. Like life was passing me by.

Over the Christmas break, I finally found a free day on which I could get on cam with my sissy. I messaged her a few days ahead to table the session, then a day ahead to confirm a time. At 1pm, she said ‘Yes, Mistress’. By 6pm, she’d had a change of heart, messaging me to say she wasn’t in the right headspace, that New Year always left her disorientated, that work and home were stressing her.

I totally understood. I sympathised, immediately killed the idea of camming and suggested we just did a call instead so we could just talk about life.

Which we did. For two hours. It was lovely.

But reflecting on my feelings that evening, I felt deeply hurt.

I’d needed her submission. 

But she’d not needed my Dominance. 

She’d needed my friendship. 

Which I always give, because this is what lifestyle is about.

But I felt rejected. 

I’d pinned so much on this cam session. For me it held months of wanting; promising to heal the sting of D/s opportunities lost to a tricky year. I’d missed our connection and I’d missed her.

So when she cried off, all of my hopes and needs were just thrown aside.

And it really hurt.

Did she mean to do this? Absolutely not. I still stand by the decision to not cam, and I’m glad she was honest and called it off. This is the honesty I expect from my sissies.

But there’s the crux. 

As the D/, you need to be able to take any cost that comes with that honesty.

There will be some Dominants who think I should have just made her do the session and had my needs met; that would have been a proper assertion of Dominance.

But for me, forcing someone who’s not feeling it isn’t a turn on. 

I want to be wanted for my Dominance. 

I went to bed that night, not just hurting, but unsettled that this was more than a temporary blip in her feelings. I found myself looking back at our interactions over the past few months with new eyes, and feeling increasingly uneasy. 

This feeling didn’t subside. It grew. 

Three days later, I sent her this message.

I got an apology. And her love. But nothing more.

So I spelled it out.

“I’m checking that our D/s partnership is ok from your side.”

(Sissies – if your Domme ever asks you this and you still want to be in the relationship, speak up really fast.)

This time I got a bit more back.

A week later, I was still not feeling ok about things, so I sent this message.

And in sending it, I have to be braced for whatever might be said next. 

As a D/, I’m prepared to ask difficult questions and show my feelings because this takes real strength. I’ve also spent enough years not speaking up to know that silence only leads to heartbreak. 

And I understand my sissy has her own vulnerabilities. She’s also had a tough year. Perhaps I’ve not been present enough for her? Perhaps I’ve been sending signals that have pushed her away? Perhaps her feelings towards me have changed? Maybe she’s moving away from a submissive identity? Maybe it’s just the pressures of life getting to her? She’s the /s, so perhaps she doesn’t feel brave enough to tell me where I’ve gone wrong?

Which is why it had to be me, as the Dominant, who set up a forum for discussion. This was the best thing I could do with my hurt feelings. 2020 taught me that opportunities are limited, that life is short, that circumstances change forever in one phone call. If there is a chance to fix things, to hold on to what matters, to find new ways to make D/s work – it’s worth fighting for. 


If you’ve found your way through tricky times in a D/s relationship, as the D/ or the /s, leave a comment. I’d love to hear about it.

3 thoughts on “Dommes get hurt too

Add yours

  1. Mistress Virago,

    You are a very thoughtful and caring Domme and clearly worry about your /s in many ways. You are very lucky to have each other.

    One thought that may be helpful is that during a period of absence a submissive who knows they are not a Domme’s only one can feel like they are being neglected in favor of other submissives. This may be absolutely false, but feelings of loneliness combined with the extreme vulnerability of being a sissy create this danger in particular. You have done a wonderful job of communicating. There may be no rational reason for the sissy to feel rejected, but feelings are not rational. Fear in (relative) isolation can do a lot of emotional damage. There may be a small, unspoken desire in the sissy to be pursued and brought back into the fold.

    Another truism is that sissies struggle to understand their feelings. They deal with a swirling mess of social messages that contradict who they really are, so there is a natural “pull” away from the Domme/sissy dynamic that can be relentless. This creates guilt and a sense of not being “good enough” as a sissy.

    I doubt that I’m telling you anything you don’t already know, but having allowed these thoughts and feelings to have come between me and a wonderful Domme in the past, I felt the need to share. Great Dommes are terribly rare, and I hope your sissy works on her own feelings so that you can continue your joy together.

    Best of luck to you and your sissy.

    quiet

    Like

    1. Thank you for such kind and heartfelt words, quiet. All your insights are very well observed and helpful in understanding what my sissy might be feeling. And probably helpful for other sissies reading this, who at grappling with their own feelings.
      I’m under no illusions about how tough it is to be an owned submissive. It takes great emotional strength. Equally, I know I’m not beyond making mistakes. No Dominant is.
      I’m touched that you shared your thoughts here. You always have something meaningful to say. Thank you.

      Like

  2. Mistress Virago,

    *curtsey*

    i am sorry for Your hurt, for a difficult year and for the lack of resolution in this issue.

    Your sissy is very lucky to have a Mistress who is so caring, patient and understanding. i hope that she grows weak and wet as she sees the power and strength that inform Your gentleness with her, that she puts aside her fears and doubts, trusts in You, kneels and accepts her need for Your Command, becoming once more a mirror in which You can see the majesty of Your Dominance. How sweet it would be if she cried contemplating the imagined loss of You that her behaviour – however blameless – made possible and that her hot tears as she yields to You might delight the loving cruelty that coincides with Your kindness.

    Without the accustomed in-person connection where gestures replace words it must be intensely difficult.

    i hope your parents are doing as well as is possible given the circumstances. Caring for and about them must be exhausting even without everything else that is going on. It sounds like You deserve a break and Your restrained, caring reponse at an anticipated session cancelled is testament to Your Mastery over Yourself and Your own emotions.

    *curtsey*

    With respect always,

    julia

    Like

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